The Ultimate Festival Survival Guide

It's a well known fact that all manner of filth and evil lurk behind the gates of any festival; last year at V Festival, VF was camped in between Jade Goody and Michelle McManus (we still bear the scars, both physical and mental). But seriously, there are a few essential things you should know about when packing your rucksack, volunteering yourself for a daring crowd surf, or buying strange looking fungus from a friendly passer by.

Due to their size and scope, festivals can be daunting places for the uninitiated, who may think that a weekend at Worthy Farm will guarantee milk delivered to their tent door every morning. The same goes for the so-called 'initiated', who reckon they're so 'experienced' they can turn up to a three-day event armed with just a tenner and a smile to help them through. Because as much as free-flowing spontaneity should be encouraged to fully appreciate the easy going nature of summer field gatherings, you can really do yourself a few favours, and those around you, by following a few painless pointers.

We at VF have fallen head-first down a number of potholes (often literally), suffered countless random casualties (many a nasty broken nail), and experimented with the weird and wonderful (Rolf Harris) just to bring you this series of festival survival guides. It's been an arduous crusade of collective self sacrifice, so heed the hallowed words below, admit that it's going to rain no matter what the weather forecast, seek out medical attention when strange lumps start growing out of your neck, don't rely on your mobile phone to work, and never challenge Goldie Lookin' Chain to a drinking competition.  

Above all though, remember it's all about having a good laugh and if things really do go tits up, that solitary tenner and beaming smile probably will just about see you through. Don't be put off by our woe-mongering; we're just operating from a worst-case scenario and believe us, we've had some 'worse cases' in our time! But if you are sensible about yourself, your friends, and your possessions, you should experience a stress-free festival. And if something bad does happen, look on the bright side - at least it'll be something to tell the grandchildren. Click on the links below and enjoy!

Festival First Timers Guide
...pop your cherry with a smile, take precautions, don't make a mess... 

Show Your Metal: Survive Rock Festivals
...wear the right t-shirt, mosh like a mentalist, perfect your rock growl...

Don't Fall Over: Survive Dance Festivals
...throw the right moves, buy some glow-sticks, lose the gurn... 

Stay Clean And Mind The Ming 
...remember the wet wipes, don't wet your tent, camp miles away from Jade Goody...

Survival Guide For Girls
...shave your head, let the boys do the work, record Sunday's Hollyoaks...

Don't Be A Mug: Survive Booze
...down loads of water, don't mix your drinks, be sick if you want to... 

Don't Be A Mug: Survive Drugs
...watch your mates, watch yourself, watch your tent turn into a juggling badger...

Meet The Samaritans
...know that help is at hand, love thy neighbour, save yourself a phone call...

Help Crack Crime
...don't nick stuff from tents, never trust a guy carrying a bag marked 'swag', don't be a flash git...

Don't Get Ripped Off By Touts
...buy your tickets quick, don't let pikeys profit, remember not all websites are as trustworthy as this one!